Politics (are for idiots) Transcript
(the heads of Georgina and Randall float by on a black background) Narrator: '''Two of the most crooked kids known to man, battling it out to become class president. But wait, something isn't right. One shall shrivel up, the other shall go mad. What led to this, find out in this exciting episode of- '''Alison: DAMIEN! Damien: What? Alison: What're you doing? We're on in five. Damien: Just practing for my hopefull career as a Hollywood narrator. Colleen: How'd you like to work under Oliver Stone? Damien: Choke on your hubris! (intro plays) (in Ms. Chapley's class. The kids are chatting amongst one another.) Alison: Did you hear about what happened to Donnie? Dante: You mean that guy who lost last year's election? Alison: Yup. He moved to Siberia and got his butt kicked. Sam: Well it serves him right. He treated his campaign like a popularity contest. If he won he would've put jocks in cages. Julie: Ech, school politicians. Is there a lower form of life? Randall: Hey, take it easy, they're not all that bad. Sam: You're just saying that because you were class president for two years straight. Randall: Exactly, and if you badmouth your class president I'll bill you back to the stone age. Colleen: Why did we let you into our group again? Ms. Chapley: Alright class, as most of you know by now, we're farming for canidates for this year's class president. Do I have any volunteers? (Randall raises his hands) Ms. Chapley: Oh Donnie how I miss you so... (Georgina is seen talking amongst her friends) Dolly: George, you should totally run for class president. Elizabeth: Yeah, it's about time we get a year without Randall. Georgina: I don't know. Believe me, I want to but how am I supposed to compete with someone as coniving as him? Phoebe: Easy, you fight fire with fire. I'll be your campaign manager, and together we'll smoke Randall out cold. Georgina: Very well. (Georgina raises her hand) Ms. Chapley: Alright, two candidates so far. Randall: Looks like somebody has a death wish. Phoebe: Likewise. Tommy: This could be my chance to snub those dreaded Halloween Kids. When I lose in one of our battles, I could defeat them just by encating policies against them. Oh Ms. Chapley. Ms. Chapley: Do I have any more volunteers? Tommy: Yes, me! Ms. Chapley: Anyone at all? Tommy: Hello!? In front of you, a willing candidate! Ms. Chapley: Just two then? Tommy: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PICK ME! (Tommy falls back and his hand goes up) Ms. Chapley: How about you Tommy? Tommy: I'd be happy to Ms. Chapley. (in the hallway. Randall is walking around handing out buttons) Randall: Vote for Randall and keep things the way they need to be. Georgina: Like heck they will! Randall: And what makes you so sure? Georgina: Try my social status. Reason nobody was ever able to beat you was because they weren't popular enough. I am your average diva. Suzy: Who would call themselves a diva out loud? Georgina: Shut up. Face it, popularity will always drown out crookedness. Randall: We'll see. You don't intimidate me Georgie. Georgina: I don't have to. I have a posse to back me up in the offchance you go Sid Vicious on me. Randall: Playing posse huh? Dante! Damien! Tiberius! (Dante, Damien and Tiberius arrive.) Randall: Can your posse fight? Georgina: Not particularly... (Georgina, Phoebe, Suzy, Elizabeth and Dolly get shoved into a garbage can.) Phoebe: Don't worry Georgina, we're down but not out. (Randall, Dante, Damien and Tiberius are carrying posters. They see one of Georgina.) Randall: Vote Georgina and get that rat out of the picture? Talk about underhanded. Dante, cover it up. (Dante covers the poster.) Randall: A job well done. (The four leave as Georgina and her friends go to the poster) Phoebe: Ugh, how foul. Quick, let's replace this with an even better one. (they remove both posters, revealing a poster for another candidate, and put another poster over it, depicting Randall as a rat.) (at lunch, the Halloween kids are sitting together) Alison: Here's our mission for the day, make sure Tommy doesn't become class president. Randall: So I could become class president? Georgina: Why should I let you be class president? Randall: Because everyone who votes for me will get this gourmet chocolate bar. Just to show I'm a nice guy, you're the first to get one. Georgina: I refuse to be charmed by the fruit of a withered oak tree, but I do fancy chocolate. (Georgina eats the candy bar) Alison: Okay, you two could argue in school all you want, but we don't want any part of it. Randall/Georgina: (incomprehensible bickering) Alison: That's it! Come back to us when the election's over. We'll be on the roof. (all but Randall and Georgina leave) (Randall makes a quick dash) Randall: HA! Enjoy a lonely lunch! Georgina: Smh, who knew school politicians were so awful. Julie (popping out the door): Like I said, no lower form of life. Georgina: But victory is the only way to shut him up about it. Tommy: Perhaps I could help you. Georgina: What're you doing here? Tommy: I come where I feel I'm needed. Oh, I also left my glasses case here. Now, me and you may be running against one another. Georgina: Smartest thing I heard from you all year. Tommy: Not the point. Look, me and you both don't want Randall to win, so I propose we work together to get you into office. Georgina: Because nobody else would vote for you? Tommy: That hasn't been proven. If your social status is anything to go by, you may have plenty of voters on your side, and with my help I could get you more. Just join me in a toast and the deal shall be made. Georgina: I know better than to be swayed by a demented viper, but I do fancy a drink. Is it tea? Tommy: Ugandan Punch. My mom ran out of those tiny water bottles. (Tommy takes out two bottles) Tommy: Let's? Georgina: Let's. (both clink bottles and drink, with Tommy tilting Georgina's bottle) Tommy: To Randall losing. Georgina: And to your expected loss. Tommy: Enough with the smart jokes! (Georgina is seen in her custom bathtub, typing on a laptop) Georgina: I wonder what Tommy will do to help me win. Surely it can't be- (Georgina notices her skin looks more wrinkled) Georgina: Oh dear. Well maybe I've been in the bath for too long. Better prepare for my induction speech tomorrow. (The next day, the students are walking into school when a band shows up and plays a pro-Randall song. It cuts to the auditorium. Principal Kadic takes the podium) Kadic: Alright folks, before we begin voting, let's allow our candidates another opportunity to turn the tides, and I hope this was worth fifty bucks. (Georgina takes the podium, visibly shriveled.) Kadic: Ok Georgina, you look awful, and let's hear your speech. Georgina: Alright folks... I'm going to give you one solitary reason why you should vote for me... If I live. (Georgina collapses) Kadic: What in the world!? Tommy (imitating a voice): She shriveled up! (imitating another voice) Looks like Randall's tryin' to make a monkey out of you. Kadic: Randall, is this true? Randall: What!? I would never! Tommy (imitating a voice): You dun gave her that gourmet candy bar. Randall: I'll give you a knuckle sandwich if you don't shut up! Kadic: All the proof I need. Randall, you're out! Ms. Chapley: EXCUSE ME! Kadic: Hope, what could you possibl- Ms. Chapley: Someone stole my vinegar samples. Alison: Vinegar? (Alison looks at Georgina and determines what's happening.) Alison: My god that's it! Principal Kadic, Randall's innocent. Kadic: To be fair I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt following Hope's news. Randall: I owe you one Ali. Kadic: Don't interrupt me. What do you think happened, and show your work. Alison: Vinegar was introduced into Georgina's bloodstream. Somebody, Tommy I'm guessing, claimed that the vinegar was put into a gourmet chocolate bar Randall gave her. However, how could you put vinegar into a tightly-wrapped chocolate bar without leaving a sign of tampering? Kadic: Brilliant deduction, but how did the vinegar get into her system? Julie (twisting Tommy's ear): Say it, say it! Tommy: Alright alright! I did it! I put the vinegar into one of my punch bottles and I intended to frame Randall for it so I'd win by default. Come on, how could this go over your heads? Kadic: You're disqualified son! Tommy: You mean I'm not expelled, suspended or whatever? Kadic: I think booting you from the campaign would hit you on a much harder level. Tommy: Wow, that's twisted. (Randall injects water into Georgina's bloodstream, saving her) Randall: Ok, with that out of the way, did I win? Kadic: How could you win, you're disqualified. Randall: But my name was cleared! Kadic: Yes, but you broke the school's number one rule. You had Rage Against the Machine play on school premises. We're hear to learn, not breed edgy communists. Randall: ACK! Kadic: And this year's class president is. Georgina: Thank you, thank you a- Kadic: Nedina Nedly! Georgina: What!? She didn't even run! Ms. Chapley: Yes she did. You were too busy trying to undermine Randall and vice versa that you were ignorant of a late entry. (Randall and Georgina are walking to the Halloween Kids base) Randall: Well I didn't win, but I didn't lose either. Georgina: What do you mean? Randall: I didn't lose to you. Georgina: What's that supposed to mean? Randall: It means you're a worthy opponent. Georgina: Oh, how thoughtful of you. Randall: Look, I'm really sorry things had to go down like this. I guess I was so wound up with keeping myself in office that I- Georgina: Lost your grip on reality? Randall: THANK YOU, GEORGINA. But anyway, if I wasn't running, I probably would've voted for you. Georgina: Why thank you, I'd vote for you too had it not been for last year's blunder. Randall: THOSE CHARGES WERE NEVER PROVEN! Georgina: Anyway, at least now you'll have less work to do. Randall: You mean non-presidents have less homework? Huh. Now I'll have plenty of time to beg our friends to forgive us. Georgina: That won't be necessary. (the Halloween Kids are being held over a toilet and getting dunked into it by Tiberius) Tiberius: Do you forgive Randall and Georgina for being such jerks? Alison: I can't find the initiative to, let me take another look.